Friends Reconnected

I was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time tonight. A good friend from long ago popped in to my mom's house with one of my brother's friends. It was so great to see him and catch up a little. Thanks for staying and talking Kevin!

I was telling Kevin how my kids fit into their stereo typical roles of, oldest, middle, and youngest child all too well. My youngest, Andrew (2) came walking over to us and began to jabber about this and that to Kevin. I asked Andrew if he was a big boy. Andrew knitted his brows, looked out of the top of his eyes and said, "I not a big boy, I a giant baby!" with the most seriousness a toddler can muster. I thought I would fall off my chair it was so funny. Of course, Andrew didn't think it was funny, this was serious business.

weight

I have felt all kinds of weight this year. Weight on my shoulders from being a mostly single mom (while Mike worked out of town for several months). Weight from sadness and the loss of my dad, I miss him so much. Weight from the stress of changing my kids too a different school, (I knew it would be hard, but I didn't think it would be this hard). Weight from unemployment woes, a job would be great. Weight from the heartbreak I have felt in my relationship with my spouse (we are working things out). Weight from my children who can't seem to get over their dog dying, she got hit by a car, we all miss her. But there is one kind of weight that is amazingly good. I have lost 55 pounds this year! I only have one pair of pants that fit. Everything else is too big. It is hard to find something to wear in the morning, but I am not complaining. I have worked really hard to get this weight off of me, and it feels so great to be a normal size. Now, I just need to get some skin removed from a couple of areas and those bikinis will be super hot this summer. HAHHA, not really, I don't have the guts to sport a bikini. But, I could use a new wardrobe! Hurry, someone nominate me for TLC's What Not to Wear!

Christmas 2009

I don't have new photos for this years Christmas celebration. The camera has been hiding from me for a few days and I am not good at Hide-and-seek. I feel bad that I wasn't able to capture some moments of glee to savor for later. But, my kids say really funny things. Things that are only funny because they are little, if an adult said things like they say, it wouldn't be very good. For instance, Andrew was in the bath last night. I was sitting just outside the door checking my email (away from the bath water, but close enough to see and hear him), he started saying over and over "I have a hole in my bum, mom, I have a hole in my bum!" He was so excited about it. I thought I would pass out from the hilarity of it. Well, now he knows that he has a hole in his bum.

Samantha, last year at the beginning of winter, when the warm coats and boots were just being taken out of the closets, told me that she had Emily's nuts. I was thinking, Emily's nuts? Did Emily have a bag of almonds or something? It turns out she thought she was being really sneaky and she was wearing Emily's snowboots. When I reminded her they were called boots she said, "oh ya, I have Emily's boots", and giggled off to her play with her toys.

Emily is too sensible these days to do anything that might be a little embarrassing. But I do remember that she was so excited to go to church the Sunday after Thanksgiving one year. I think she was about 4 years old. Since being excited for church was about the last thing I expected her to be, I asked her what she was so happy about. She said she was excited for church so we could go have some more chicken. When I questioned her why she thought we were going to be having chicken at church she responded, "we eat chicken at church with our cousins, remember?" We had our Thanksgiving dinner at the church that year with "chicken" aka turkey. Too bad we don't get "chicken" at church every week, everyone (except the cook) would be much happier campers on Sunday. LOL!

We had a great Christmas. I got a beautiful new watch, Mike got some great new jeans, Emily got Zhu Zhu pets, Samantha got lots of Barbies, and Andrew got a pirate ship. We also got a new TV, but have to return it because the LCD screen is cracked. It got damaged in shipping, but of course when we recieved it, just just wrapped the giant box and didn't open it. Hopefully the new one won't take weeks to get here. I was really looking forward to playing Rock Band and watching some great action movies with a great picture. Our old TV is so bad, the color is off, and the picture has even started shifting to the left, it's super annoying. So trivial, but annoying.

There is definately a huge part of me missing this year. I have loved the celebrations, and songs, and excitement of my kids; all of that has been wonderful. My dad's huge presence has been missed like crazy. On Christmas Eve, I kept looking around feeling like someone was missing. I kept looking around for my kids, and for my siblings, neices and nephews. Everyone seemed to be accounted for, but someone or something was missing and I couldn't find it. I just couldn't shake the feeling that someone wasn't there who was supposed to be there. Today, I keep feeling like my dad is just around the corner and I can't catch up with him. Like I just missed him at the store, or he left out of town and I didn't get a chance to give him a hug before he left. My spirit is confused about it. I had dreams about things like that when my brother Sam died. I feel lost.

Ghost Couple

This is a fun Halloween short that my sister and her husband made. It won 1st place in the BYU Halloween film festival. Click on the Ghost Couple link.

What do spirits eat?

Emily: Spirits don't eat salt
Sam: Ya, spirits eat crackers
Em: Spirits don't eat crackers
Sam: Ya they do, that's why I took them downstairs, so they could have a snack

Mom: (thinking, WHAT? laughing out loud).

My Dad

My dad passed away on Thursday morning at 4:25am. I love him so much. Here are a few photos of him.

My Dad
Kind
To anyone he meets
Patient
With anyone who needs more time
Understanding
When challenges try to take us
Listens
To the good and the bad
Generous
With his hope, faith, and charity
Loving
Unconditionally

My Dad
I love Him!

Cate's Wedding

Cate got married at the end of July. I am pretty sure I already wrote about it, but I have to say it again. It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen. Char, Cate and my mom, and all the people they chose to help them did an amazing job. I had Char snap a photo of my people since we were all dressed up. I am glad the wedding craze of the summer is finished. I can't see it lighting up again, like it did this summer, for a long time. Phew!

Mills Fam Camping

This is just a sample of how it is to camp with Mike and his siblings.

How can a kid go from being the baby who prefers riding in the sling to anything else in the world to going to Kindergarten in just a matter of moments? I don't know how this has happened. The years have flown by. I am still the same person, struggling, playing tug of war with myself, trying to make it all come together and happen. My kids have progressed, and become little people, part of a community of friends and classmates. I am so happy they are learning and moving on and up in the world. I am proud of Sammy for being so excited about kindergarten. She is excited about homework, and meeting new friends, but disappointed about not being able to ride the bus. She is a cute little school girl. Drewby and I miss the girls during the day.

3rd Grade!

It is crazy that Emily has left for school. She is in 3rd grade; still a little girl, but on the verge of big girl. Every veteran parent warns new parents that the time goes by so fast, but I couldn't have imagined how quickly the time really does go by. She was just a little soft, dark-curly haired, sweet baby a few months ago, right? I am excited for her to learn new things, and make new friends. I always love hearing about the things she is energized about. I am happy she gets to move on. There is something in my heart that aches a little though.

I remember the first day of the new school year having the feeling of crisp clean air, butterflies in my tummy, and overall excitement. Nothing has changed. Last night Emily woke up, almost too excited to go back to sleep. She packed her own lunch last night, in her new thermal lunch carrier, cleaned out her backpack and replaced her old pencils and erasers with a fresh clean pencil box, filled with her favorite erasers, pencils, ruler and scissors; new shoes, new uniform, and new haircut. What a great kid. I will definitely miss her during the day. But, I love all the new 3rd grade things she gets to learn!

Zumba

Have you ever tried Zumba? If you haven't, you should. This is the most fun I have had working out ever, and I have seen the quickest and best results. I still have a long way to go, but this is the most fun I have had getting in shape. Bring it on. (I have gone from well over 200lbs, the photo on the top, to comfortably under it, the photo below. Still a bunch more to go. Wish me luck.)

Things I love part 2

Last week was so full of too much. Too much that would make you cry your eyes out from sadness, and things that would make you cry your eyes out because they are so happy! I want to list the happy things so I won't forget the happiness.
- Wadsworth reunion in Panaca
including: swimming in the spring, hiking at Cathedral Gorge, horse back riding, fireworks by Nate, Aunt Helen O's 90th bday bash, Tyler got married, Gretchen has a baby (not in Panaca) . . .
- Zumba class (way too much fun, and a crazy workout!)
- Zack home from his mission!
- Cate getting her endowment
- Being able to spend time with family and friends that I don't usually get to see
- Cate got married!!
- Deborah Hansen-Conant concert at Deer Valley

I like harp photos

My brother in law sent these to me. They are from his wedding. I like harp photos!

What you LOVE

Doing what I love relieves stress and creates outlets for easing nervousness, as well as giving me opportunities to use my creative energy's. This makes absolute sense, but I forget it too often. When I go into my studio and just play music to my hearts content, I feel revived, and happy. When I swim in the hot summer, I feel at peace with my family. When I write down my thoughts and feelings, I feel relief and more put together. Something else I love to do is dance. I don't really get to do this anymore, except for the impromptu dance party with the kids in the family room every so often. Before the summer is over I am going to go salsa dancing with or without Mike! (Of course, I would chose to go with him, but will he come?)

Greater Good

Working with someone for the greater good isn't as simple as it sounds. My opinion of the "greater good" might be entirely different from the other persons idea of the greater good. Sometimes we get lost in our efforts to express our true values. For the most part, I believe we surround ourselves with people we have commonalities with. I have found, in my on-going attempt to be a better communicator, that the people around me and I have varying opinions on what the greater good actually is. I try to be a Christian person, to be giving, forgiving, understanding, to live with the spirit of Christ is my life always. I try to live my life this way for the good of the people around me, for my family, and because this is how I want to be. (Always a work in progress). What am I striving for? What is my role here? Can a difference for good be catalyzed by one person? I don't just want to be dulcet, but to make a difference for good, for the greater good.

This has been a good day

As far as days go, this would be a good one. I didn't sleep much last night because my son has anxiety issues that keep him awake and upset at night. (He's probably feeding off my emotional anxiety that I always have, but more now than usual). Despite being tired, it was a good day. Mike woke up with a positive outlook. He sent me lots of nice texts. He listened when I had something to say, without trying to fix it or change my opinion. He came home and ate dinner with me, played with our kids, and expressed how he was excited to go out on Saturday together. This is just normal stuff to a lot of people, but this stuff made my day a very good day. Thanks to Mike for starting the day off with a positive outlook. It sure made a big difference. Besides having fond feeling toward Mike today, I went swimming with the kids, and some great friends, chores got done, there isn't any laundry to fold, and I am about to start another good book. This is a good day wouldn't you say?

soon the numbers will be in order

at 12:34:56, 07/08/09, the date will be 123456789. Why do I think that is cool?

07/08/09

Today hasn't really started yet, but it has a fun number, 070809. Choices are funny in that you can't make choices for anyone but yourself. Who thought that would be a good idea? Oh ya, God- and it turns out I agreed with it. So, I agreed, shall we move on?

Faded Memories

Not many of my memories include sad memories. Memories I have from childhood are filled with happy things. I know bad and sad things happened, fortunately, those feelings are forgotten over time. For instance, I broke my femur when I was just 4 years old. I remember what I was doing when it happened, who carried me home, having a cast, and crutches, begging to be carried everywhere, but I don't remember getting the x ray, the bone setting, the doctor, or anything having to do with the treatment and recovery of the bone. I was jumping on an in ground trampoline with my cousin who is close to my age, his older sister by 8 years, and my oldest brother by 8 years. When I was getting off the trampoline, I got bounced high and landed one foot on the ground and one foot under the ground in between the springs. My bone cracked. I don't remember the pain associated with the broken bone. I just remember my brother whisking me away to our home. He scooped me up in his big arms, carried me down the hill to our home, and passed me carefully off to my parents. I remember feeling so safe when he picked me up and carried me home, even though the pain must have been terrible. Another example is of mothers. Mothers continue to bare children even though our bodies never are the same afterward, the pain and burning that comes with childbirth is really quite alarming, and the effects mentally and emotionally during pregnancy are so terrible for me. All the effects of being pregnant and birthing, terrible as they may be, haven't kept women or me, from continuing to bare children. All this seems strange to me, but it gives me hope. Hope that we are able to either accept the physical and emotional pains of life, or we are blessed with the ability to forget how bad the pain hurts- emotionally or physically. I hope I will be able to remember just enough of the pain to not repeat past wrongs, and to strive to make the lives of those around me better.

Lehi Round Up Days

The kids and I always have a fun time at Lehi Round Up Days. A highlight is always the fifty cent face painting. The girls get to earn quarters to spend at the fair. It's a lot of fun. (and I love mobile uploads!)

here we go, this is more like it

Mobile uploads

I am trying to get photos to load to this page from my phone. There was supposed to be a photo attached to the "hot date" comment. I wish I could get this to work. It would be so great! I'll keep working on it. It shouldn't be hard, it just isn't working right. Hopefully sooon!

Hot date with Mike. We went to the arts festival. There were some really great bands. Neil Diamond cover band, some guy playing a huge pipe, jazz, drummers and a Brazilian dance(?) group, and my favorite was a band called Traveler. A mix between Celtic, Rock, and mid-Eastern belly dancing. They were great performers, it was a party!

Safe

There is something about the emotion of safety. It is beyond a state of being, more than an adjective, it is a necessary fundamental of life. So many of us, at some point in our lives experience life without the fundamental element of safety. When I had someone close to me pass away, I felt unsafe. A broken heart can make you feel unsafe. Living conditions, emotional trauma, and our fears can make us feel unsafe. When Mike was in Iraq I felt unsafe. I was tied to him emotionally as much as I could be from thousands of miles away, sometimes when we were on the phone together the alarms would start blaring and he would have to go take cover. Many times, I wouldn't hear from him for days after that. Loved ones left behind in wartime know that no news is good news. In any case, I felt unsafe during those many many months. Most people don't throw themselves into an unsafe environment just for fun, usually people find themselves there not knowing how they got there, and not having the means to fix it. So many people have taken refuge from tyranny in this country, and this state. They have come here to protect their children and themselves from further persecution. Today, I have felt a huge amount of gratitude for safety. It is something I overlook on a day to day basis, and that is because I have been able to live and grow in a place where safety is abundant. I am grateful for safety.

(side note, I know we need to protect ourselves and our children from predatory people and things)

Mike Mills

If you knew us when we went to SUU, chances are you also knew a guy named Josh Jones. He had this way of saying peoples names who only had 2 syllables. Like a mom would say "it's dinner time" with a little up and down intonation, and some < > crescendo and decrescendo in there. He was always saying Mike Mills- he made it sound like there are 3 syllables instead of two. In any case, this entry isn't about Josh Jones (with 3 syllables), it is about Mike Mills (with 3 syllables).

Mike has always had a passion about him that is attractive. He is creative, I wish I had a picture of the project he made for an art class he took- he turned some chunks of wood into a vase with hardware flowers. It was really creative and I was impressed. I don't remember what he called it, but it was a clever name. Mike can make you feel important, and one of a kind. He is a very good story teller, with voice impressions and actions to go with it, he can make a melodramatic situation in to a comedic hilarity. Mike has really strong arms, I have never seem him loose in an arm wrestle. Mike is a good dad, he is always happy to engage in a game with his kids. These are a few things I love about Mike.

Bridesmaid dresses

We have to get dresses. Blah! Trying to fit all our different body types, styles, sizes, and color tone is annoying. It will be fun once it is finished. I thought these were some great bridesmaid dress choices. What do you think? Classic or just plain strange?

Sunshine

Today the sun is out and the sky is blue. Little white fluffy clouds are scattered about, and the mountains are purple and green. What a beautiful day.

Since the weather has been so rainy, most of my plants are in shock. I think it's funny that they have gotten too much water. All my plants are intended for a dry climate and some of them have turned a little brown. Not dried up brown, but too moist brown. This week they should perk up a bit with the warmer, dryer weather.

I have been talking to Mike about going to visit my Auntie Cathi in Washington state. While there, I want to take my kids to the Hoh rain forest. I went there when I was a teenager, it was pretty amazing. I have been in 2 different rain forests. One in South America and one in North America. They are so different from each other. In South America there were bugs and bugs and more bugs. Bugs that would eat the skin on your legs before you even knew they were there. Sticky bugs that would fly into your hair, then you would have to cut them out before they built a bug nest in your braids. Bugs that glowed, slimy ones, bright ones. Florescent toads (or maybe they were frogs), mosquitoes,etc. If I had been looking at that rain forest on film it would have been much more enjoyable. The Hoh rain forest was so different. Tons of vegetation in every nook and cranny imaginable, but there weren't any disgusting, slimy, hot, humid, gamy, bugs that drove you to your wits end. Needless to say, I am absolutely fine never visiting a hot, humid rain forest again. I hope they will always be there, but I never want to be in one again. The cooler rain forest would be great though! Hopefully we will make it up there this summer. I know it would be a great vacation for the kids, and I know I would love it too.

My Dad

Kind
To anyone he meets
Patient
With anyone who needs more time
Understanding
When challenges try to take us
Listens
To the good and the bad
Generous
With his hope, faith, and charity
Loving
Unconditionally

My Dad
I love Him!

Laughing

I went to a movie last night with some girl friends. I am not usually a fan of chick flicks because they usually make me get teary, and getting teary is not something I like. It makes me feel like I don't have control over myself, which is something else I don't like. (On a side note, it turns out Mike likes when I loose my reservedness, it makes him feel like I am a real person. Does he think I am a fake person? LOL, who knows). I suggested we go see Terminator, or Star Trek, or Pelham 123 (which turns out to be R rated, so that one was off the table for me). We went to see The Proposal. I laughed a lot. I was surprised at how much I laughed. The story isn't really surprising, but the lame stuff that happens within the story is surprising. And, to have a body like Sandra Bullock- well, that would be really great- here's to wishing, right? Betty White is so unappropriated and right on, it is hilarious. Well, it turns out, I just needed a great laugh. Good times. And, another plus, I bought myself a cute little zebra print clutch. Love it.

Something New

I have never been in my house alone before. This is something new. I am not sure what to do with myself. I have been given strict instructions to not stress out over getting the closets cleaned out, the garage organized, teach lessons, etc. I am supposed to sleep and do what ever I want. What do I want to do? Maybe I will go lay by the pool- how do you do that without kids? I am sure I can figure it out, it has just been a long time. I am excited for this new thing- a little freaked out about how to tackle it though, hahaha, that sounds really lame! This weekend will be strange and fun.

Breakthrough

When working on something for a long time, it is an amazing feeling when you finally have a breakthrough. Even though I am tired and I still feel lost, the breakthrough is great!

I need to have a breakthrough with Samantha. Her stubbornness is tireless and she wears me out. Remember the Olivia books? Samantha is my Olivia. She is stubborn, creative, messy, loving, emotional, sweet . . . I haven't yet figured out how to communicate effectively with her. I realized yesterday that she and Mike are so much alike. What does this say about my communication with Mike? It isn't the greatest, but it is getting better. I think he would agree with me. I have always said Emily and Mike are alike, but this is not true. Emily and Mike have such a good time together, they like to play Wii together, and go to movies together, I think they really enjoy each others company. But as far as personalities go, Samantha and Mike are more alike than I realized. The look in their eyes has this sad, yet beautiful quality- it is deep and full of emotion. Hmmm, puzzling. This will definitely be a topic that I will roll around in my mind for a while.

Engaged!

My sister Catey is engaged. She and Jeremy are so smitten by each other. I remember all those feelings. I recently read some old journal entries. My memory was flooded with all those emotions of wanting to be with the person you love more than you want to do anything else- the day can't come soon enough- the heart stopping moments you feel when it is time to say goodbye for the day, oh! how you will miss them as they drive away (even though you know you will see them tomorrow)- the sparkle in your eyes- the quickness in your step when you know they are the person on the other end of the ringing phone- the peace and comfort you feel knowing you are in the arms of someone who loves you just as much as you love them- the bright anticipation of the future- I am happy for Cate. I am happy she gets to feel that kind of love, and Jeremy too. I hope they will have the happiest life together, and will always love and respect each other more and more as they grow old together. Congrats Cate. I love you.

6/16

Today is Nate's birthday! Happy birthday Nate. Nate has always been a good brother. Annoying and teased too much sometimes, but a good brother. I have always been able to count on him to help out when it really counted. He and my brother Sam taught me how to ride a bike when I was 3 without training wheels. They were so nice! Give one up for brothers!! Happy Birthday Nate!

New day New week

Here's to a fresh start this week. Last week was full of so many unsuspected surprises (not so good one's) and trials. This week will to be better. We are off to a good start. So far, nothing surprising. True, it is still the wee hours of the morning, but you just never know.

Last night I had some unexpected visitors. I was so happy to see them. I feel like I haven't talked with them for months. I am glad they came over. It's amazing how good friends can feel your spirit even when you feel like you have been out of touch with them for a while. Yea! for good friends!

I just finished the book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. I had skimmed through it several years ago and liked it well enough, but this time I really read it. I love the strength of the women in this book. They are true to themselves and what they believe in. Grandma Mary Romley says in the book to live in each moment like it is your first and your last. Even though I hear that often enough, it struck me more vividly this time. To me that doesn't mean you can go around eating, playing, and being merry. It means to hold true to your standards, relish in the happiness, learn from the sadness, get as much knowledge as you can, don't relive your mistakes, and have a pure love in your heart and mind for all things good. I am going to try really hard to be a better person this week. One day at a time.

Sleep

Like I was saying before, sleep is not overrated. So here I am at 6am on a Sunday morning with nothing to do but sleep, but I am not asleep.

Yesterday was a beautiful rainy day. Every time I looked out past the frame of my sunglasses I noticed the amazing colors that melded together in the sky. The colors created a picturesque frame for the vibrancy of the mountains. Everything feels so alive, fresh, and clean after a rain like that. I wish I had a time lapsed photo of the sky from yesterday. Truly amazing.

In the wonderful rain I worked on my parents house. My sister and I spent nine hours there yesterday. After many days of work already, it just doesn't seem like we have accomplished that much, but then I think of everything we have taken away already- this would be another great time lapse photo.

When stress runs high, sleep is low. I need more sleep when stress levels are high. I may have to start taking something to help with that. Hopefully the little people will sleep in.

I hate HOA's

I live in an HOA neighborhood and I can say that I hate having to pay for the HOA dues and then get screwed anyway. I want all my money back, and I want to move out of the neighborhood.

Emily's Mom & Dad Date

It was Emily's turn to have both parents undivided attention today. She wanted to go Trafalga, so we did mini golf, batting cages, arcade games, etc. She is talented, helpful, smart, beautiful, and everything else good. Thanks Emily for being my girl!

Sleeping In

When was the last time I really got to sleep in. This morning- I slept until after 9am. Sleeping is not over-rated. I feel refreshed, bright and ready. This sleeping in thing should happen more often.

6/11 journal

oh the night is long and lonely
when the light turns cold and the days warmth gives way
shadows of shapes not recognizable
seem to creep from under the door
into dreams.

tight grips sharply grasp a beating heart
breaking love and lust
left alone

the day dawns near
elongated shapes reappear
short shadows lost

warm light descends into windows
filters through layers
seeping deep into pained coatings
reaching for a spark to lift up and light

25 Things I am Grateful For

I am copying an idea from a friend, but this is a good thing to do from time to time.
1. Emily
2. Samantha
3. Andrew
4. Beautiful music
5. Summer rain
6. Mom and Dad
7. Brothers and Sisters
8. Life's lessons, hoping we don't have to learn the hard ones more than once.
9. Headache remedies
10. Aunties- I have 2. They have both loved me so much all my life.
11. The ability to forgive- I wish I was better at forgetting.
12. Being forgiven- I don't know if people forgive me for lame stuff I do and say, but I sure hope so.
13. Shelter from the storms
14. Comfort and safety
15. Education
16. Knowledge
17. Supportive friends
18. Happy memories
19. Modern photography to capture those happy memories
20. Nieces and Nephews- I love you guys so much
21. Good books
22. Nice text messages
23. Fragrant flowers- the Iris are in full bloom, I can smell them from the other side of the house.
24. Healthy bodies (and minds?)
25. Our Savior

Many things on this list might be different from one day to the other. It is hard to stop at 25.

Goodbye Facebook

I had to say goodbye to facebook because it is just too addicting, and everyone knew way too much about everyone's business. Since I am a prickly pear (according to Mike) I decided to just log off forever. Actually, I am having some withdrawal, but it is great to not know everyone's business all of the time. Can you imagine what the neighborhoods would be like if we actually got to know the people living on our street, or the next door down? I took some cookies to my across the street neighbor last week. We have been across the street neighbors for almost three years, I didn't even know his name until last Saturday. Pretty lame. What about those lame ". . . " statuses? Those sure get people going in one way or another. hahahaha! Well, until next time . . .

I just did a . . . HAHAHA (evil laugh)